Friday, April 29, 2011

Not So Nice

Most days now I hardly think about the miscarriage. Maybe that is because it happened so early and I have a strong belief that we will have another baby and that it wont be a long time coming. (Fingers crossed) Other days I think about it some. The not so nice part-- I keep having this dream about it. Not really about what happened or losing the baby exactly though. Here is usually what happens:

It is approximately April. I go to the Dr's office because I have received a positive result on a pregnancy test. This time I'm not so cocky though and let them test me for a positive result of their own. The Dr. asks all of the usual first visit questions. "What makes you think you are pregnant?" And of course, "When was your last period?" In the dream I tell him that the last period I had was when the previous pregnancy terminated. So because of this they tell me that they want to send me for an ultrasound test to see how far along I am in this pregnancy. So I call Matt and we go to the ultrasound. The ultrasound technician then tells me that the due date of the baby is October 21st. I tell her that this cannot possibly be right and she says that it is. I start to get upset with her, telling her that there is no way that is the due date of the baby. That was the due date of the baby that we lost and that this baby cannot have that date. Sometimes I get mad and tell her that I want someone else to come and do the ultrasound, other times she just sends me right to my Dr. Either way I end up at my Dr's office again and he either tells me that they made a mistake at the hospital and that some women end up with a heavy flow period the first month but are still pregnant or that yes, I had miscarried, but only ONE baby and that there is still another in there.

This dream is totally absurd. I know what the Dr told me at the hospital, I know what happened, I saw the ultrasound where there was NOTHING in my uterus. Why the heck do I keep dreaming this?! It has been happening at least twice a week. I am trying to move on from this so that we can continue to create our family. I know it wasn't all that long ago that this happened but this dream just drives me nuts! I end up thinking after it, "well, maybe I should test, just to make sure." Then I figuratively give my head a shake and come back to my senses.  It is so frustrating to be having such a good day, only to wake up in the middle of the night to this horrendous dream. Just when I think I'm making headway this dream comes around and pulls me right back.

Post written March 12, 2010 moved from previous blog

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